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ther are a lot of things to be happy about [05 Dec 2006|04:36pm]

I am not a man for one thing,men are dogs,mostly.First handedly I do know that of course not all are.My best friend is a man and I love him.I am greatful that life is so sweet.the sun is shining,and it's a beautiful day.
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I just joined.. [18 Jul 2005|12:00am]

[ mood | accomplished ]

And that I think the purpose of this community is super cool.

And if I can write about anything, I'm going to write about how fun Chess is. I play is alot with one of my friends, and he wins most of the time, but that just makes it so that when I win, I feel alot better than I would if I constantly won..

Or maybe I'm crazy. Hmm..

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[30 Jun 2005|08:09pm]

i know one thing is for sure that i love ice cream. what i don't know seeps into my mind whenever life is silent. i love finding new and refreshing music to listen to and i'm still a little sad and upset and happy about how many memories i have attached to so much music.

cheers to a cool community.
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[27 May 2005|02:45pm]

Tonight is Charlie's grad dance. Tonight I'm going to put on my splendiferous turquoise sparkly prom dress and the sky-high heels that a drag queen threatened to steal from me (except that his feet were too big), and boogie my butt off!!! Let me just rhapsodize about my dress here - all my friends bought these elegant, austere creations that will no doubt look good at somebody's wedding in a few years, but me...I bought the rock'n roll fairy princess dress that's covered in sequins and layers and layers of tulle, oh my! It's this fabulous bright-bright blue with a skirt the size of Spain and a plunging back. Tonight I'm going to put flowers in my hair and glitter on my eyelids. Tonight, I'm going to be something at once earthly and ephemeral...all the beautiful things I missed being shy and hiding during my early high school years. If I could have known that this is where I'd end up, I would have been loud and love-declaring, dancing, wearing my hippie clothes all through. Ah, well. Past is past is past.
"She remembered how she had slept before---a caterpillar in a cocoon, muffled and peaceful. Now she woke up fragile and shaky like some new butterfly whose wings are still translucent green, easy to tear and awaiting their colour."
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[30 Apr 2005|10:35pm]


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wewt [25 Mar 2005|06:00pm]

[ mood | meep ]

i'm writing this for the candy ;D

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about me [08 Mar 2004|03:05pm]

[ mood | *see above ]

im depressed but anxious.

22 SWF looking for newness, have you seen any lately?

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*~THE STARS CAN BE SUiCiDAL~* [27 Jan 2004|11:58pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

the night kills me. i swear it's like a schedule. i like staying up but i hate how i get. fuck, if wendi wants to beat me up, i'll let her do it. i'll just stand there and take every blow. i deserve it anyway. what the hell's wrong with me? here i go again, feeling sorry for myself. i'm sorry. i'm grateful. i like life. well, i'm grateful anyway. i think i'll be walking off the face of the earth for now. call back later.

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So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore. [11 Jan 2004|09:17pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

When I was little, I made a solemn promise with my best friend. We swore three things on a spray-painted encircled letter F on the blacktop, where the big kids played basketball and foursquare. We promised that we would never drive cars, because they pollute, and instead would ride horses everywhere. We promised that we would never ever get married to a boy, because boys were icky and stupid, and that maybe we would just marry eachother when we grew up. And we swore that we would be best friends forever and ever.

I wonder if everyone reaches the moment when they suddenly realise that all their childhood promises were broken?

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[01 Jan 2004|11:29pm]

welcome to the new world. 2004. hello community this is me.

i am ice. i am solidified thought and memory and ideal and hope. snow flakes of time fall down and melt into my memory. i am solidfied memory floating on liquid time.

the world is fresh and raw. my past has been ripped from me and now i'm okay. the open skin leaves room for warmth.

i am sixteen. but sometimes im an old soul. sometimes im a young soul. i'm just sixteen and really im crazy. but id rather be crazy then boring.

im a brunette but im confused and i write whats in my head. i dont apologize for this. im a contradiction because sometimes i do apologize. i read emerson for fun and i dont feel like my friends like me very much.

id like to think im happy, but sometimes im not sure. when its cold out i feel sad. and its not as simple as that. im happy and sad and maybe a little bipolar. im confused and i dont really know who i am.

i'm five foot five inches. i am deep and im shallow. i try to have depth and not just length. i try to be happy and not just have fun. tonight i worry about sneaking out because my moms friend is sleeping in the basement.

i want to meet a boy and have an adventure. i want to write like charley or holden. i want to have thoughts that change people. i want to be drugs. i want to be orginal and i want to learn everything.

but basically im just a sixteen year old brunette who is 5'5". there might be more than one of me. and tonight im not sure how i feel about that.

im just looking to be loved. i just want to be heard.
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[01 Nov 2003|05:41pm]

What happened to our childhood? What happened to running around the yard and under the sprinkler in just a bathing suit? What happened to picking up worms and playing with ants on the sidewalk? What happened to running through puddles and playing in snow? When did it all become such a responsibility? When did eating too much candy start to bring about more problems then rotting out teeth? What happened to the days of playing with Play Dough and making Easy Bake Oven cakes? I want my perfect world back -- the world in which after school snacks consisted of coolies and milk, not dinner before work. The world where everyone seemed so big and I felt so little, but powerful, all at the same time? When did parties turn from places to eat Happy Meals and play with friends into places to get drunk? When did cooties become obsolete, and STDs become more of a problem?

Where did nap time and snack time and show and tell go? Why do I have to sit through Calculus instead of learning my numbers all over again? Since when is coloring not a subject in school?

This all happened so fast and everyone grew up around me, but I'm still a child at heart. I always will be, and in a way that scares me, but in many other ways, it's comforting. I don't want to grow up. Crayons and markers will always be so much cooler than red and black pens. Law and Order and ER can never beat Saturday morning cartoons and Nick at Nite. Temporary Care Bear tatoos could never be beat by real tatoos, no matter what they are.

E-mail and instand messenger will never be able to replace play dates and tag in the park. Why does race play any role in anything in life? When did drugs become anything more than Dimetapp and Benadryl? What happened to the pink bubblegum medicine?

I've decided I want to stay five forever. I've also realized I can't, and I think that's a major part of growing up. Learning when you can lay back into that 5 year old mentality, and when it's time to snap out of it.
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hello [29 Oct 2003|04:17pm]

[ mood | okay ]

i am new. my name is cindi, i'm 19, bisexual from oregon.

and...yeah...just had to introduce myself and what-not. if you want check out my info and add me to your friends list. i love to comment and all that jazz. :o)

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the edited version of a geek's take on love [12 Oct 2003|05:25pm]

I’m sitting here thinking about what it means to be in love. Why that extra in seems to make or break relationships. Being the nerd I am, I’m going to look at this grammatically. I Love You. Subject Verb Object. I love, I feel an emotional greater than all else for you. Let’s take now “I Am In Love With You”. Subject, verb, and two prepositional phrases. Where and with who I love. This makes “Love” a noun. I am in something, in water, in a liquid. I am in this great emotion. I am fully submerged. This feeling is all around me, it is enveloping me, maybe it’s warming me too. Maybe it’s like jello, a thick, viscous liquid. Maybe it holds you tight, like your lover’s hug. In any case, you can’t come up for air. Woody said that flying is falling with style. Being in love could be drowning with style, because, after all, they’re similar. When in love, every moment matters, just like every moment before you drown. There’s a certain desperate quality about being in love that comes with drowning. You don’t follow what’s going to happen, but at the same time you have to go with it. You can’t help but run out of air and then fall into the unknown when you drown. Being in love, I can’t help but give in to you, to it, to trust you fully, and just be.

So what’s the difference between being in love and drowning? Well, you’re with someone. It’s not drowning anymore, it’s living in your isolated chamber with the only person that matters. Oxygen doesn’t matter anymore. You simply cling to the one you love, content in the much of your love, the warmth of it, the way it blocks out all other sounds. I guess some people need to come up for air, but the rest, but we, are too deep in to remember or need what is above. We breath in each other, we breathe in love, our lungs adapt to need nothing but each other. Yes, I love you. I subject verb object, I feel an emotion greater than anything for you. But even more so, I am deep in the warm goo of loving you. I am in love with you. I am nowhere se and I am nothing else. I am defined by my place and my companion.
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[[related sidenote: this community is wonderful.]] [11 Oct 2003|11:43pm]

it is the absence of the big city that makes the small lights visible. this whole scenario seemed so movie-esque, a contrivance of a television commercial that would no doubt advertise a product that is completely irrelevant. but there wasn't an ounce of irrelevance in the moment, no discolored snapshots, no farcical juxtaposition. oh, it wasn't perfect, mind you, as nothing is. there was fumbling for the right pieces to assemble the telescope, squinting in the meager light afforded by the trunk light. there was a chill in the air that was uncharacteristic of humid michigan summer nights. there was the disconcerting absence of the moon (it must be between cycles) that hid beneath the horizon on the one night that we desired her presence. the rural climate that we scorned so afforded us a glimpse of a world that was virtually invisible to the jaded masses huddling in skyscrapers in front of their television sets. there were stars, so many of them, glinting in the sky like wishes that were visible only to those who strove to see. it was the moment when you realized that you could see the vase and the faces--only this time, I could see twice the number of fiery balls of flame that have likely burned out and died centuries ago, before its promise had even reached our atmosphere. you haven't really lived until you've laid on top of a car with two childhood friends, staring at the stars. you really haven't.
we saw shooting stars, and i wished on every one of them. it's times like these that make me believe in yesterday.

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[06 Oct 2003|04:26pm]

I saw all of the 8th graders this morning at the info session and I just wanted to tell them to take everything in and make the best of it, and if they get into Magnet, to just experience it each and everyday and love everything about it, because it slips away so much sooner then you could ever imagine as a freshman. I remember counting down marking periods, and now I'm just counting weeks. 37.5. That's it. In thirty seven and one half weeks I'll be a high school graduate. That's crazy. I'm not ready for this world and I'm not ready for real life. I'm still finding myself and figuring things out and learning about life.

Sure I can drive. Sure I'm in advanced classes. Sure I'm already taking college classes, I have been since sophomore year. Sure I can write serious things and actually complete fairly decent stories. Sure I can write a 10 page paper in a matter of hours, and do research on the most obscure topic because I have to. Sure I know how to differentiate and integrate and find limits, and sure I can tell you a million things about US history and literature. Sure I can label the human body using the actual terms, not just neck and head and leg. Sure I can balance chemical equations and solve for molarity and molality. But none of that matters yet.

I'm stilll a kid. I color with crayons and watch Care Bears on Saturday nights, and I play board games like Candyland. I write stories about far off places, not because I want to be a writer or because I want people to read them, but because it's good for the imagination and it helps me escape. I still have toys sitting on my desk, and books on my bookshelf that are about Winnie the Pooh and soccer. My binders have stickers on them, and my locker has stuffed animals and juice in it. I play nursery rhymes and TV theme songs on the piano, and I read Seventeen and CosmoGirl because I can. I still listen to Raffi songs and sleep with stuffed animals and cabbage patch dolls.
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(x-posted in my personal journal) [17 Sep 2003|01:31am]

it's like high school all over again. being distracted all day by thinking about one person. finding any excuse to talk about him, or do something even remotely related to him. it's not a love obsession. it's because hanging out with him for the whole afternoon on saturday reminded me of how awesome he is.

i jotted down these thoughts during the jewish experience:

i'm really bad at expressing anything without sounding dramatic + pretentious, so just bear with me. i get sick of a lot of people really easily. a short friend attention span. i dunno if it's because i don't see you all the time, but i just don't really get sick of you. i have a feeling it's because you don't have that layer of surface bullshit that most people have. you say what you think and do what you want, not to show off or make other people like you, but just because it's you.

i think all this "in love with" crap was just a phrase i used to substitute for the way i feel about him, which is not some stupid crush. it's just constant admiration that i've had for him since i was a sophomore in high school. at first it started out as fear, because it seemed that he liked very few people. this is still true, except i'm one of the people he likes. our conversation about long-term relationships depressed me, but not for selfish reasons. i didn't feel like "oh well that means i can never have him." i was just sad because i realized that not a lot of people get to see how down-to-earth and cool he is, and that no one will ever really get to see it in the purest form. yeah, he has a tough exterior. yeah, he's cynical, bitter, and even grumpy sometimes. but he always makes me feel special just because he's my friend, and because we get along so well.

i am controversial. he is not. he doesn't go out of his way to make his points, but if you challenge him, he doesn't back down. he doesn't change himself for people. i try not to either, but often i'm more violent about it when i am confronted. he's so comfortable with himself that speaking his mind and doing what he wants is second nature. i wish i could do that. i wish i was like that.

he drives his '79 mercedes and listens to ludacris while talking to me about getting a rancid tattoo on his back and fixes his leather jacket. most people don't have the nerve to just do what they want. and not constantly worry about how they appear to everyone else. haha i feel like that dane cook sketch: "why not me!? i want that!"

do i want to be him? sometimes i feel like i'm just so caught up in being in his company that i forget that we're just good friends and he has no idea what's going on in my head.

haha now i'm even more confused.

i guess the main point is that i'm really lucky to have van as a friend.

and that he would call me silly if he read this and take another sip of black coffee.
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// pheeeeeeeeeeep // [31 Jul 2003|02:59pm]
no one ever writes here anymore! and i don't have time right now. but i liked the stuff you guys wrote, so get on that. have a great weekend everyone! :), kimala.
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hey you guys. [06 Jun 2003|12:46am]
[ mood | fine ]

we need the world to have more sunshine, more boys, more flipflops, more books, more equality, more compassion, more activism, more corduroy, more teddy bears, more ice cream stores, more love. i feel like i'm counting down the days 'till i'm climbing my way through the big shiny apple though once i get there and i make my way through the peel and i start getting towards the seeds i'll stand there and realize now i should be counting down the days 'till i have to leave again. i guess its a good thing that apples are ovaries ;) and will soon develop into something bigger and stronger and even more productive. i remember the most random dates like june 16th and i can't believe everything that was a year ago and i can't believe that in another year this will all seem far away too.

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[21 May 2003|03:44pm]

[ mood | restless ]

... vaguely discontented
like a nightingale without a song to sing ...

feel like i'm waiting around for something. transitional period i suppose. makes me seem like i don't appreciate the great kids around me. i think they feel it. i wish it didn't have to show. but it's not them. it's the same roads, the same stores, the same stupid stories about parties in the woods, the same old drama, the same vaguely terrible smell in the halls, the same complaints, the same politics ... yesterday i couldn't stop bitching about things. it's like it wasn't even me. becky pointed it out and it jolted me back to reality, somewhat.

jackie was so upset yesterday. part of what she needs is what i need also. a change of scene.

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a literary masterpiece [15 May 2003|03:40pm]

[ mood | bouncy ]

::ahem:: for chiara.
(pssst this is not really of serious nature but it is indeed a manifestation of my thoughts.)

i am doubtful of
my abilities
to hold a map and drive on interstates
at the same time.
therefore you
dear starapplefruit
must hold the map and that
is why pricechopper sucks.
but i know
that you are trying and that
does not suck.


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